I had always felt lost. Some would call me a "dreamer", a wanderer...with my head always in the clouds searching for that person I had yet become. It has taken me 45 years to realize that my purpose in life was to share my experiences to help others. Let me explain:
I grew up in a wonderful home. Honestly. My parents were loving and hard-working (to put it mildly). They were completely dedicated to their kids (my 2 older brothers and myself) and to their marriage. It was a beautiful and very impressionable thing to witness growing up. We didn't have much but we had everything we needed. It was early on in my childhood my love for the outdoors began. Weekends filled with hiking, camping, fishing, arrowhead hunting, tadpole gathering, swimming in cow troughs and playing in the mud with my St. Bernard. It was simple, it was life and it was perfect.
At 25 I had my first child. A beautiful baby girl. In the midst of a tumultuous marriage, she was my shining ray of hope. It was difficult for me to understand where things went so wrong in my marriage. I didn't grow up witnessing this behavior. Marriage and love wasn't supposed to be like this. I had to fix it...and so I tried, for several years, only to find myself deeper into the hands of a drug and alcohol addicted narcissistic abuser that had taken control of not only life but also my self-esteem. I had never experienced being in the hands of abuse before and it broke me. After I finally gathered the courage to remove my daughter and myself from that toxic environment I found out I was pregnant with my second baby girl. I was scared at the very least. I was already raising one girl on my own how was I going to raise two? I moved in with my parents, enrolled into massage therapy school and moved forward...so I thought. I finished school and began my career as a holistic bodyworker. I also packed up and returned to the marriage. I had convinced myself I had to make one last attempt to "make it work", for my girls. I'll spare the details but it didn't go well and it wasn't pretty. Fast forward to one cold night and a dangerously heated argument that quickly escalated, I looked into the eyes of my beautiful baby girls who were looking back at me, and I saw God. In that instance I put them in the car and never returned.
I tried to "pick myself up and dust myself off". I had a lot of scars but with time they would heal, right? Unless something comes along that's so painful those scars suddenly seem like small scratches that would be pushed deep below the surface and await their time to return. A couple years passed and love came knocking on my door. No matter how much I tried to push it away, it knocked harder. I surrendered...and sadly, soon after, I became completely and utterly shattered. In a matter of one day, just like that, suddenly he was gone due to a tragic accident. I discovered him the day after we announced our engagement. There wasn't a single piece of me that was held together. I had felt pain before but this was much different. This was real, unimaginable and unintentional pain. This pain came from the depths of my soul, rocked me to my core and changed everything about me. That pain came from losing the person that healed me. The person that broke my heart wide open and taught me to love again. He was gone..and I wanted to die. I suffered mentally, physically and emotionally. I struggled with PTSD and everything that came with it. I never knew what that diagnosis meant and then suddenly I was living it. I had a long road ahead of me and I was afraid of the person I was becoming. That pain was deep, dark, scary and real. So I ran from it, continued to hide my pain from myself and others and continued to commit to healing others through my work with the hopes I would eventually heal myself as well.
"I received a message from my soul voice and I realized that Yoga was the spiritual connection I had longed for...At some point I knew I was going to be called to teach".
During my pursuit of running from my darkness I tried Yoga for the first time. It quickly became a very fulfilling physical practice for me. Just a few short years after I began practicing yoga I placed my hands on my mat once again and something happened. Everything changed. I received a message and I realized that Yoga was the spiritual connection I had longed for. It was on my mat that I met my soul for the first time (that I can recall) and I knew at that point my yoga practice was going to change my life. At some point I knew I was going to be called to teach.
In 2004 I married a gift from God. A cowboy in every sense of the word. Hard-working, loyal, dedicated and honest. Heaven sent me the most loving man that not only accepted my 2 girls as his own but accepted me and all my scars. Talk about baggage! One year after we married we welcomed a third baby girl into our family! In our 13 years of marriage we have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Life has certainly thrown me some curveballs. But when you can find that one person that accepts you as you are, just as you learn to accept yourself, it makes going through this thing called life a lot easier.
Sometimes I sit and think about my life and have to just shake my head and other times I'll smile and sometimes I just cry. But one thing I can say that I now know for sure is that I have been placed on this earth to personally experience the good AND the bad and to live a life of purpose by sharing my experiences with you. This is where my certifications as a Yoga Teacher and Inquiry Coach come in. My purpose is to show you that you are not alone. To show you guidance and a feeling of connection and healing through Inquiry Yoga classes. To sit with the broken and lost and to witness their transformation. To touch the soul of others and to be a witness of thier own personal healing.
To the people that have been in toxic relationships: I hear you.
To those that are committed to their recovery from addiction: I see you.
To those that suffer from fear, sadness and grief so deeply it paralyzes you: I understand.
To those that continue to suffer from trauma...
To those that are lost...
Those that are seeking a deeper connection...
To those that feel lonely...
To those that feel broken...
I am here for you.
Let's travel this road together.
Allow yourself to be shattered.
and I will be by your side, every step of the way,
to witness your healing and transformation
into becoming the person you were always meant to be
and un-become everything you are not.